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Auriole
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Name: Grace
Birthday: 6/23/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Chuckling at the amusing thing in the screen, she plonks onto her bed. While she cozies up with her cuddle buddy, pillows and comforter, she shifts her attention to itunes. Propping the macbook on her lap, she searches for a certain song and breaks out singing to the music -- unaware of how it sounds to others. After a few verses, she then resumes concentration on her law notes with fresh determination. But the strands of hair in her face finally gets to her, so she reaches for a hair-tie and pulls it all up in a messy up-do. Suddenly, a familiar tone rang, interrupting her focus. Tossing her sony ericsson aside afterward, she thinks she deserves another break and starts searching for other forms of entertainment: browsing the net, watching another episode of a certain show or scrolling through her msn/skype list hoping that he is online...
Message: message meEmail: email me
MSN: lemonade_cascade@hotmail.com
Member Since:
10/20/2003
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| IT'S ALRIGHTThanks for the concern all! but really, i am fine. i didn't mean for the previous post to sound so sadistic, i thought the last bit would've neutralized that.
it was just a process. only through experiences does one learn right?
anywho, hubby dearest was taking care of me the whole time, even though i was in my own head. thanks boo, it feels really good to be so loved :)
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| LAST NIGHTtoo many things happened, one of which impacted me really badly. i couldn't deal with it because it kept popping out of nowhere, when i least expect it.
i don't like those sort of surprises.
i felt so cheated. i didn't know, neither did i want to know. why couldn't i be spared from the pain? yet, my blindfold was ripped away. i was forced to see, i was forced to come to terms with it. i was forced, regardless of my choice to remain blissfully ignorant. i had made a choice to not know.
i didn't know what to do. i have never felt that degree of hurt before. i did the only thing i know how to do. i got mad. i got so mad, no amount of consoling would suffice. i got so mad i could hardly speak, even though i knew i should. otherwise, the situation would worsen. but i couldn't utter a word.
i tried dealing with my emotions in other ways. i promise i tried. i rushed into the bathroom with a razor in hand. i looked at my wrists, unwilling to scath it. i pulled up my shorts and bared my thighs. i thought for a second, then went ahead and did it anyway. but i couldn't bring myself to impress it so hard as to hurt myself. it's just not me. i'm stronger than that. i can deal with this the right way. i didn't need anyone else to tell me that. it is all too familiar; as the very same advice i had given to others.
no amount of emotional pain could bring myself to inflict more pain, physical pain onto myself. at this point, i still couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of cutting. i guess i would never become one of them. no matter how often i think about it.
i rationalize. i'm a rationalizer. everything, can be rationalized. i can mentally coerce myself to think a certain way. to advise myself as if i were someone else.
but last night i failed. i needed to just not think about it. i went down to grab a bottle of wine. i was careful to select only the ones that i think my dad would not miss. i downed 3 glasses. although i'm pretty sure the last glass wasn't filled up as much as i had hoped.
i underestimated the wine. within 10 minutes it had its effect. the effect i wanted, but with consequences. you see, i'm never one to turn red and lose my mind. i'm an emotional drunk. i'd be aware of what i'm doing, which is why when i drink too much, i usually get real quiet and try to be brought home before depression manifested.
but last night i was home. i was in my bed. i was an emotional wreck. i started hurling. my body was rejecting all the alcohol i had so quickly consumed. it was the worst feeling in the world.
time and time again i'd convince myself that drinking to this point is not worth it because vomitting while the world is spinning with tears streaming down and hair in your face is the worst feeling in the world. i had puked so much it wasn't even red anymore. it was clear. i didn't have dinner and bile coming out of me. bile. the bitterest shit there is. produced by my own body.
perhaps to sum up the bitterness of the whole experience.
i plopped back onto bed, face down. panting. because this was no easy feat. i rationalized. and i decided, right before i blacked out, that there is no easy way out to dealing with emotions. one has to handle them straight on. no matter how difficult.
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| SUCK SHITwhat a disgusting title for a post but that is my life right now.
my life sucks shit. stuck at home for the third consecutive day because somehow or other, everyone started sneezing like madness and noses started running. please, don't let it be anymore than it is!
maybe it's the fact that i've been couped up at home, not allowed out. i get sick that way. i NEED to go out.
and my mom is feeding me these organic vegetables but i keep finding an assortment of insects in the leaves. first there was a worm, then there was a dead bug. jeez, i cannot continue eating it.
what is happening??? today was supposed to be special :(
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| HOMEbut for the freaking influenza, i would be out and about and frolicking around.
but no, i'm stuck at home because my mom is a patriot and is forcing me to listen to the government and quarantine myself for 7 days. 7 days wei! that's one freaking week. what the hell am i going to do at home? why did i bring so much clothes back :(
NO WAY IN HELL IM STAYING AT HOME FOR A WEEK.
that is madness, max 3 days la.
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Random facts about me:
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A list that never ends. Seriously.
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A sewing machine!!!!!!!!!!!
A dress form.
Lise Watier Portfolio Corrector!
A polaroid camera would be cool.
A Miu Miu bag.
Jimmy Choo Riki.
Aquapict LED Jellyfish Aquarium.
Pure White GHD.
To witness Aurora Borealis.
To see the hanging gardens of Babylon.
To see the Taj Mahal.
To write and publish a book.
To see my designs walk down a runway someday.
A health regime that doesn't require me to lift a finger.
To be truly happy and content.
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